Trust Me

Tonight I was driving home and I heard a lot of stuff on the radio that all seemed to be God talking to me. The song Second Chance came on and it made me think about how next year, I'll be in New England. The chorus:

"Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry I'm just saying,
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance"

I have done the best I can in Maryland. I don't want it to seem like I am running from my problems. But I think that sometimes, escaping, going away and getting to someplace where you can focus on God and not the hurt people have caused you, I think that's a good thing. My family doesn't want me far away, but they understand that I have to get out. I've done the best I can here. This is my life, and I have to live it the way God is telling me to. I can't stay and do four years of college and graduate school and the typical American growing up life. That isn't me. That's never been me. I can't do that.

Then I was listening to my 3OH!3 cd and this song comes on called Colorado Sunrise, where the chorus is:

"Trainwreck that I am
And I am what I am, what I am , what I am a trainwreck"

And I realized that we are all trainwrecks. I am a trainwreck that has happened, is happening, and will continue to happen. But God picks up the pieces. He picked up the pieces for my uncle and my mom and my dad. For everyone I know, He is stopping trainwrecks. And then I realized, there is joy in being a trainwreck. When nothing is stable and no one is reliable and you cannot trust a damned thing, God is there, redirecting the tracks and helping the conductor to safety.

Then the song by 3OH!3 called Don't Trust Me came on, and the radio in my car lists what song it is on the dashboard. But the words got stuck on the Trust Me part. And after this weekend and everything that has been going on, it was just a beautiful sign to me from God saying to trust Him.

This weekend was rough. I was informed that no one likes me, that I am fake, that I am a cocktease, that I am unworthy of a relationship. I have nightmares about my ex over and over. I am so angry with a girl because she is dating someone who will only break her heart, and she knows way to much to still think he is worthy. He has told five girls that they are his only love and that he never meant it before. I wish I could change this and keep her from getting hurt. Most of the time I wish I could smack her and say what the hell (yes hell) are you doing??? But then I see my dashboard frozen on trust me. And I realized that it isn't up to me to fix this or to tell her everything again because she already knows. She's made a decision and now it's up to God to take care of the rest.

Tonight, I am hurting a lot. I realize that although I have come a long way out of depression and faithlessness is God, I am still not the person I once was. And on some levels, that's a good thing. I was too trusting before, too quick to make decisions. I feel more grown-up in that respect. However, I feel like I have lost my ability to love the way I did before. Yes, my heart was extremely broken. But I need to know that not everyone will do that. I have made the decision not to date again until I move to Massachusetts because I know I could not show a man the love and respect he deserves. I can't even show my friends how much I love them. My heart is too focused on the pain and hurt and anger from what has happened. God got me out for a reason. He tried to get me out for a while before I actually did. I am out now and I am glad. I want to be who I was before in most respects. I was carefree and I loved being alive. This guy who comes into the place I work reminded me of how I was before this relationship and all of the bad things that have happened since.

He comes in almost every day and gets a certain kind of coffee. Then one day we introduced him to the super-smoothie and every time he gets it, he is so excited when it's ready. He is so patient for it, and then he takes a sip and makes a huge deal, like it's the best thing he has ever tasted, and he is so grateful for it like we are doing him the biggest favor in the world. It is a four dollar smoothie and yet he is so passionate that it just makes his day. I was like that. I was passionate over everything. I wasn't bitter. I would rant, and then get over it. I wasn't the way I am now. I don't want to be bitter. I want to get super excited over my smoothies. I want to have conversations with people and not think once about anything bad like I used to. I want to be able to get up and wash my hands of whatever has happened, and go back to living my life. I want to not worry about who likes me and who doesn't. I want to like me as much as I used to.

Tonight is not a good night. I am sad. I am confused. My heart is really hurting. This blog was going to be a letter to that girl I mentioned earlier. But I don't want to be like that anymore. Tonight is going to be one of those nights where I curl up in a little ball and let God wrap His arms around me. I love you all. Goodnight and God bless.